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Saturday, November 12, 2011

Help! I'm attracting the wrong men!

Original email to me: Dear Mama Em,
How can I stop loving my lying, compulsively cheating bastard ex and move on with my life? And, on a related note, how do I stop attracting similar men, other liars (who I suspect are cheaters as well)? How can I ever trust anyone again?
-Hung up

Dear Hung Up,
In my experience, if you can't stay angry with someone, you can't STOP loving them either. It's something that has to wear off naturally, as you start to move forward with your life and leave that relationship behind you, or when you start to love someone new. Without knowing how long ago you and your ex split, it's hard to judge which stage of grief you are in at this point. It sounds like somewhere between denial and anger (LOL). I would suggest an evening alone, in a quiet room where you can meditate and reflect on your feelings about the relationship and come to terms with the reasons you broke up, and why you're better off without him. It may sound strange, but if you can get yourself good and angry with him, you'll get over him faster. And then one day you'll wake up and realize you don't hate him, you wish him well, and you'll finally be over it. The fact that you refer to him as your "lying, compulsively cheating bastard ex" tells me that whether you love him or not, you know that the idea of getting back into a relationship with him is dangerous and will more than likely leave you miserable all over again. So don't let the what if feelings sneak into the equation. Get mad. That bastard cheated, and lied! To a dear, trusting soul like you! How dare he! Mama Em would love to kick his ass!

On the other note, re-evaluate your "type" of men. Are you attracted to the bad boys, who you know will give you the same heartache? WHY? Are you feeling like you need to be a part of a relationship, and taking what you can easily get, in order to acheive that? WHY? I strongly suggest that you sit back a while, enjoy life with your friends, and see who approaches you. Don't be quick to dismiss anyone because they don't meet your type. People can surprise you. We all grew up hearing "don't judge a book by its cover", yet we all secretly still do. Upon first sight, I come across as frightening to some (ha ha!) and too made-up, or I've even been told by friends that when they first saw me, they just assumed I was a bitch. Once people get to know me, they learn all kinds of things about me that don't show from the outside. Like the fact that I am the one everyone goes to for advice, or that I love my friends and family so much that I sometimes lay awake at night trying to figure out how I can better help them with the things they are struggling with, or that I may wear a lot of makeup and have long nails, but I can change a flat tire, change my own oil, and decipher some common issues with a car's performance just by listening and sometimes even smelling (LOL) under the hood. So the next time a man approaches you and you get that first "oh, this guy is SO not my type" thought, stop! Let him take you out for drinks or dinner. He could be the one!

As for trust, there is no answer. I recently said to a very dear friend of mine, that we are not "standing outside the fire" kind of people. If you want to find out what life and love are truely about, you have to be willing to dance within the flame and sometimes that means getting burned. All we can do is give people the chance to earn our trust, and know that sometimes, it's going to be broken and we're going to get a little scar from it. But those scars remind us that we are brave, and that life is about taking chances. How boring it would be without our scars. I adore you, loyal reader, and I hope I have helped in some way. All of my love, Mama