Email to me: Dear Mama Em, Do you agree with the theory of the "love bank"? And if so, do you think those rules should apply to sex?
My response: Dear Banker, I must admit, I had to research the concept of the love bank, as I had never heard of it. For my readers who are as confused as I was, the basic idea is that each person in your life has a jar that you keep in your heart. When that person shows positive actions, you put a coin into their jar. When that person shows negative actions, you take a coin out. So at any given time, people can have an overflowing love bank account with you, or be overdrawn. So if I am reading your question correctly, you're asking me if I think it's okay for you to use the state of your significant other's love bank account with you as grounds to reward them with a bonus (sex), or reversely, to charge them an overdraft fee (denial of sex). - Yeah I'm pretty awesome with word play. LOL
Here's what I think... as a female, if I'm pissed at my partner, I'm not going to want to have sex with him. It's not a punishment for him, it's just me being angry, and in turn, not having the desire. I don't think sex should be used as any kind of leverage. I'd say most relationships that perceive and use it that way, will end in disaster. It's one thing to joke around, and occasionally use sex as a reward for painting the bathroom or washing your car without being asked. But that can't be the ONLY time you give it up. If you see sex as being a chore that you are required by marriage to deliver on, there's a bigger issue. Could be hormonal if you just don't have the desire (see your doc), could be mental/emotional (see a therapist), or it could be something disfunctional in your relationship that causes you not to have the sexual attraction to your mate that would create the desire to have sex with them. (sit down, figure it out, and talk about it.) If you only want to have sex if your partner does something that you think makes them "earn" it, you may want to rethink your strategy. Sex in turn for favors is just a fine line away from sex for money when you really think about it. If you're going to try to use the love bank concept for sex, my suggestion is that you put an actual jar on your dresser in your bedroom. Make an agreement that each time one of you goes above and beyond the norm to do something nice for the other person, you'll put a quarter in the jar. So the jar is a joined-account so to speak, and you're both depositing money into it. Make a chart, indicating which dollar amounts will get you to different levels of "wild" sex. For example, if there's $2.00 in the jar, maybe you put on some lacy lingerie , and if there's $20.00 in the jar, you bring out the leather whips and chains! LOL Use your own teamwork and comfort levels to decide your chart. Go about your week as you normally would, and whenever you have the desire to have sex, do it! Sex is GOOD for your relationship, so don't hold back! Pick a day that both of you regularly have the same time frame free (after the kids go to sleep, or before they wake up even!) and each week at that time, count up the money, check where you're at on the chart, and have FUN! Then take the money and do something creative with it, or dump it into a bigger jar that you can turn into your vacation savings! This would be a really awesome way to keep things fresh and hot for you both. and quite frankly, this is the ONLY way I can see this concept working when it comes to sex. I hope that helps! Happy saving! - Mama